First day alone

Today was my first day at home without James or mum and dad around. Mum and dad flew back Tues, 2 days ago and left a whole in our lives after all their help in the past 4 weeks, doing laundry, dishes, shopping and spending time with the kids.
Today I got the kids up and out to the school for the eagles and Marmot program and we had a slow start to the day. I am being conscious of not rushing or getting stressed about things. When i dropped heather and Finlay off, Finlay and heather both said to me in the car to enjoy my day alone and not to cry too much. I f I was feeling sad then to think of my whole family. In the boot room i got an extra hug from heather before she darted off and then an extra kiss and hug from Finlay, again he mentioned to enjoy my day on my own and if I felt sad or were crying to come and see him and he would make me happy. My kids are so wonderful and intuitive
I returned home to clean up the kitchen around 10 am and was conscious that if I were to make the appointment at 12 and go for a walk that I would have to be quick. I set off for my walk along the front Bench and through the forest to the Silver Tip Golf course which takes an hour. the forest is a beautiful, peaceful place to be and changes every time I walk there, there was some fresh snow and it was gently snowing as i walked.
On returning from my walk I managed to eat some soup and an ensure and then headed for the hospital to meet Sue Lawrence. She was going to do some guided meditation with me. I had had some reik done last evening and the night before and whether that had changed some energy with in, who knows. But toward the end of the meditation I felt very light headed and thought I was going to faint. We stopped and I lay down on the floor.
We continued to explore my feelings. she asked if I feel like a cancer patient. I feel well physically and continue to run, xc ski and walk, I look well and the only time I am reminded of the cancer is when I am eating and trying to swallow. It is so hard to digest and it is so hard for other people to grasp. Everyone is happy that I look so well. My parents were relieved to see me when they first arrived as i looked so well even with a feeding tube in and saw how I progressed through that to eating soups and smoothies, then progressing to fish and more solid food. As i am feeling so well, it gives me the strength to try to overcome my fears as sometimes the reality of the situation is evident. I try to stay positive and strong and continue life as normal, concentrating my energy on feeding well with juicing and smoothies and allowing time for healing relaxation which is new for me.I have to stay focused on the light.
She then asked me how the kids were doing and I mentioned that they were very aware of me crying and when I get upset. They come to give me hugs and tell me to think of my family, my whole family. Finlay has mentioned that I could start a star chart so that if i don't cry then I get a star. I cry when I am scared for the future, for myself, the kids and James. I cry more so at night when putting the kids to bed and always tell them how much I love them. I always hold onto them for that much longer and wish that i could guarantee that I could be there for them as they grow and always enjoy their hugs for ever. Each one counts.
She asks me about my fears, and my fears are very evident. I fear that I may not have the next 10, 20, 30 and 40 years of my life to share with my husband and children, I maynot be able to be there for them when they grow up, gain their own life, what that life may entail, marriage and grandchildren.And I really regret that and feel it is so unfair, that wasn't in my plans. I fear that they are so young that they will find it hard to remember me, I don't know if I remember what my parents were like when I was 5 or 7. Life will carry on for them and I won't be part of it.
My fears for James, that again we still have so much to do together, we have the rest of our lives together which should have been another 30 40 years. We were looking forward to raising our family, we were looking forward to sharing our life again once the kids had grown up, getting time back together making plans and growing old together. I know James loves me and says I am a wonderful mother, wife and woman and that I did so much for him and his confidence, he says I will be a wonderful cancer survivor. The sad and terrible thing is that I have no way of guaranteeing this for him. But I hope that I can be that cancer survivor for him.
It highlights that life is very precious, nothing is permanent and there are no guarantees in life, each of us only has today. Yesterday has passed and tomorrow is unknown.