A Gift of Time

During the 6 week wait, we have discovered that it has been a gift of time for us and our family. We have enjoyed xc skiing together, meeting with friends, hiking, running and swimming. We have had time together which has re-established our relationship, which has probably taken a bashing in the past two years, with busy work schedules and juggling family life. We are both there for Heather and Finlay and I think I have seen a change in them with us both being around. Everybody seems a bit more relaxed.

We had a short break at Baker creek for three nights and took the advantage of being near Lake Louise to go skiing for 4 days. It was great to get the kids up on the ski hill, as they hadn't done much skiing prior to that this year. We couldn't have asked for more, the weather was warm, the ski hill was quiet, no line ups for the chair lifts and the snow was fabulous. After fun on the hill we were able to return to a log cabin and relax by a log fire.
When we first arrived at the cabin, we found a card and a half bottle of champagne. The card was from our friends Chad and Shannon who are traveling for a year, and it read." Relax and breathe in the mountain air! Your stay is compliments of Chan and Shannon who e mailed us earlier."
This brought tears to my eyes again, with Heather asking "why I cry every time someone does something nice for us".
The kids also enjoyed some skating on the pond and we played some family games. The kids were excited and happy and it was great to be away and having fun.

Lady MacDonald Hike

The following week the children were back at school, so James and I took the opportunity to take advantage of some spring weather to go a hike up Lady MacDonald. It had been many years since we had hiked by ourselves and we really enjoyed our time together talking, relaxing and feeling reconnected.

Of course James was laughing with me on our return, descending on icey patches with poles which were too short!!! Making me look and feel like a 90 year old!!!

First day alone

Today was my first day at home without James or mum and dad around. Mum and dad flew back Tues, 2 days ago and left a whole in our lives after all their help in the past 4 weeks, doing laundry, dishes, shopping and spending time with the kids.
Today I got the kids up and out to the school for the eagles and Marmot program and we had a slow start to the day. I am being conscious of not rushing or getting stressed about things. When i dropped heather and Finlay off, Finlay and heather both said to me in the car to enjoy my day alone and not to cry too much. I f I was feeling sad then to think of my whole family. In the boot room i got an extra hug from heather before she darted off and then an extra kiss and hug from Finlay, again he mentioned to enjoy my day on my own and if I felt sad or were crying to come and see him and he would make me happy. My kids are so wonderful and intuitive
I returned home to clean up the kitchen around 10 am and was conscious that if I were to make the appointment at 12 and go for a walk that I would have to be quick. I set off for my walk along the front Bench and through the forest to the Silver Tip Golf course which takes an hour. the forest is a beautiful, peaceful place to be and changes every time I walk there, there was some fresh snow and it was gently snowing as i walked.
On returning from my walk I managed to eat some soup and an ensure and then headed for the hospital to meet Sue Lawrence. She was going to do some guided meditation with me. I had had some reik done last evening and the night before and whether that had changed some energy with in, who knows. But toward the end of the meditation I felt very light headed and thought I was going to faint. We stopped and I lay down on the floor.
We continued to explore my feelings. she asked if I feel like a cancer patient. I feel well physically and continue to run, xc ski and walk, I look well and the only time I am reminded of the cancer is when I am eating and trying to swallow. It is so hard to digest and it is so hard for other people to grasp. Everyone is happy that I look so well. My parents were relieved to see me when they first arrived as i looked so well even with a feeding tube in and saw how I progressed through that to eating soups and smoothies, then progressing to fish and more solid food. As i am feeling so well, it gives me the strength to try to overcome my fears as sometimes the reality of the situation is evident. I try to stay positive and strong and continue life as normal, concentrating my energy on feeding well with juicing and smoothies and allowing time for healing relaxation which is new for me.I have to stay focused on the light.
She then asked me how the kids were doing and I mentioned that they were very aware of me crying and when I get upset. They come to give me hugs and tell me to think of my family, my whole family. Finlay has mentioned that I could start a star chart so that if i don't cry then I get a star. I cry when I am scared for the future, for myself, the kids and James. I cry more so at night when putting the kids to bed and always tell them how much I love them. I always hold onto them for that much longer and wish that i could guarantee that I could be there for them as they grow and always enjoy their hugs for ever. Each one counts.
She asks me about my fears, and my fears are very evident. I fear that I may not have the next 10, 20, 30 and 40 years of my life to share with my husband and children, I maynot be able to be there for them when they grow up, gain their own life, what that life may entail, marriage and grandchildren.And I really regret that and feel it is so unfair, that wasn't in my plans. I fear that they are so young that they will find it hard to remember me, I don't know if I remember what my parents were like when I was 5 or 7. Life will carry on for them and I won't be part of it.
My fears for James, that again we still have so much to do together, we have the rest of our lives together which should have been another 30 40 years. We were looking forward to raising our family, we were looking forward to sharing our life again once the kids had grown up, getting time back together making plans and growing old together. I know James loves me and says I am a wonderful mother, wife and woman and that I did so much for him and his confidence, he says I will be a wonderful cancer survivor. The sad and terrible thing is that I have no way of guaranteeing this for him. But I hope that I can be that cancer survivor for him.
It highlights that life is very precious, nothing is permanent and there are no guarantees in life, each of us only has today. Yesterday has passed and tomorrow is unknown.

Friends

My group for friends who I ran with in San Francisco, Erika, Cathy, Leslie and Andrea have been a wonderful support for me . We started a book club in early January and the first meeting was the week after we had discovered the diagnosis. We met again in February when I had my feeding tube, however there was little discussion about the book!. I left first that evening, one so that I could do my last feed and also to be home with James and my mum and dad. However that night they discussed ways in which to support me and the following day they went to a spirit shop down town which sells healing stones. They were all drawn to the same color of stone, unknown to which it was. It was Chrysocolla. so they all bought some stones in the intent to get necklaces made to wear. They also went to the jewelers a few doors down and found a chrysocolla wrapped in metal already on a chain.
We met for coffee on Sunday morning at the summit and they presented me with the rock to hold and the necklace.
the card reading
"Elaine, as your San Francisco travel group and now your book club we wanted to find a way to be with you along your journey, even in those times we can't.
Chrysocolla is a stone that helps to heal any disease or blockage in the throat, so we're all going to wear chrysocolla until this dam blockage is destroyed!
Chysocolla also helps with heartfelt communication. we thought this would help you find the strength to say what you need and how you feel at any given time.
Lastly, this months book" Born to run" was fitting for you as you embark on this crazy marathon. We're running with you.
Love Erika, Andrea, Cathy and Leslie. "

The week after treatment

 

http://youtu.be/TBRMNbnu7dY

After the treatment was completed We had a week to enjoy the freedom from traveling into Calagry.
We took advantage of the time by going swimming, downhill skiing, spending time with Mum and dad.

 

On the Friday evening James and I were able to go for a nights stay at the Rimrock Hotel in Banff . This was going to be an attempt at feeling normal. We had booked a meal at the Primrose resaurant and I was able to enjoy the soup and the fish on the menu. It was such a relaxing time, we sat in the hotel by the fire and listened to some piano music, before going to the room to get ready for dinner. Then we went for dinner . It was so nice to have the meal cooked  and served for us, dishes and clean up also not our problem. Then we returned to the lounge again to relax, chat by the fire and listened to live music. It was so nice to be away from the house and know that the kids were safe and happy with Granny and grandad.
The following morning we enjoyed a sleep in, enjoyed a short swim and then breakfast at the hotel, before meeting the rest of the family off the bus in Banff.
Sunday we had a lazy morning and a few visitors, Andy Hall and then my good friend Janie and her husband dropped by for some tea. After they left we had a quick lunch, then hiked up to Grassi Lakes. Everybody enjoyed that

 On the last day of Mum and dad's stay we tried to take them swimming at Douglas Fir water slides, but they were closed, so we went to Banff for some lunch and then to Elevation place for a swim. the kids thoroughly enjoyed it and played for 1 1/2 hours.
Tues the 25th came around all too quick. Mum and dad had to fly home. It was really tough to know that the support we had was going to leave and just to have my parents go away was really pulling at my heart. You suddenly feel quite alone and vunerable.
We also had the appointment with the surgeon before dropping Mum and dad at the airport. He explained the procedure, we signed the consent form and he wanted to operate the week of the 28th, with a possible 2 week stay in hospital.

diary

 January 21st

February 8th

February 9th

Feb 11
The night before was hard.  Elaine through up blood at 11pm and felt full from to much food. We were up at 3 with Finlay and up at 4 with Heather.  I got up at 630 to arrange food for the day
Elaine got up at the same time but was feeling sick. She did throw up blood again. Her blood pressure was110/70 so we put her back to bed.  After all the kids were at school she got up and we drove to calgary the treatment went well and elaine was able to get some sleep

February 12th

A lot better start to the day. We traveled to calgary and received the radiation therapy. The whole thing only took 40 minutes. We then drove back to canmore for a quick cross country ski. We started on a hard route which turned out to be to much for elaine. This was a reality check for the both of us. However we were able to complete the course and the exercise and fresh air wad good for the soul. We put the lack of energy down to diet change,a long with chemo and radiation.

February 13th

Elaine woke up after a restless nights sleep. She was worried that Heather and Finlay would not remember how active and fit she once was.  Of course they will remember how good she was as we will tell them. Not to mention that she may make a almost full recovery. After all, she has been very active all the way up to now.

Treatment went well today but elaine is starting to feel the burning sensation on the inside of the chest. Hopefully this will be shrinking the tumor.

February 14th

Elaine is struggling with nausea. Evenings are the most difficult part of the day. The doc has increased the anti nausea tablets so hopefully that will help. 

The results from the PET scan came today.  Not great news.  They show activity in the neck 9mm and 20mm activity in the liver.   They will be sending elaine for biopsies next week.

February 15
A good day Elaine was able to tolerate a good verity of food.
We did however plan to get the kid's at a party but discovered that we had the wrong day so we went swimming at elevation place. The pool was way too busy and we felt uncomfortable being in a crowd with elaine on chemo. Elaine also went a walk with Karen up the bench. Karen was struggling to keep up.

February 16th
    Elaine was unable to keep fluids down. We had a trip to the emergency while the kids were at a party. She had X ray of the abdomen and found that she was slightly blocked so she took laxatives. This helped a little bit but was still unable to tolerate food.

February 17th
We had arranged to go swimming with sandy and beth at the  banff springs. Elaine was still unable to tolerate food. On our return we placed the kids at brian and jackie's,then took elaine down to the emergency room.  She was placed on an iv and given dexamepthadone which reduced the swelling enough to be able to take milky consistency drinks in 20ml volume. They then sent her home with an iv to be self administrated in the morning. She as in the emergency for 6 hours.

February 18th

Kids packed up for a full day at sandy and beth's. 

Radiation went well. Met with the magical oncologists and decided to go for the NG feeding tube. We had to head back to the foothill and wait for the NG tube to be fitted. Once fitted elaine was sent for an xray to ensure correct placement. We did not leave until 430pm and still no confirmation from the doctor that it was in the right place. Driving home we received a call to ask us to return to the hospital at 8am so they could lower the tube 3 cm.

Having the NG tube knocked elaines confidence and this plus the inconclusive results of the PET scan made elaine very down.

We a ranged for the kids to have a sleep over with maxwell and gavin as we had to be leaving canmore at 630 am.

February 19th

Today was a very busy day. Elaine had  to feed her self with a syringe while traveling to the hospital.  We arrived at the hospital at 8am for  the adjustment to the tube then at 10am we attended a NG teaching session. 12pm elaine started chemo and was in there for 3.5 hours  then she received radiation at 3.45. We arrived back at canmore a 6pm and still had to collect the kids. 

Collecting the kids was a great achievement by elaine, meeting the kids and friends  for the first time with the tube. The kids had lots of  questions and were excited  to see it work. Elaine is holding up but very scared and emotional right now and thinking the worst.

February 20th

Elaine started the day by going for a cross country ski. 

Cathy came to the house to give elaine a ride into calgary. Elaine returned home and after feeding went for a walk. Elaine is still very emotional but knows she has to change her mind set.  James and the kids had an afternoon at the ski hill, trying to keep a normal life for the kids as possible. Returning home at 5pm.

February 21st
Elaine is working hard to change her mind set and looks back on every day to find the positive moments and reflect on these. Her nausea has gone Un noticed so far following her chemo on Wednesday and her vomiting has stopped since the insertion of the tube. Also today the doctor told us that the PET scan had been looked at by two other people who believe that the areas of activity are blood vessels and would not do a biopsy.  So we have to wait 8 weeks until they redo the scan.

February 22nd,
Elaine went for a 1.5 hour cross country ski. She came back feeling tired but this may be due to the chemo. She followed this by a walk and then a pleasant meal at sandy and beth's with friends. Very enjoyable.

February 23rd
The cold weather changed our plans. We were set to go skiing but with a high of minus 18 we stayed in and did crafts followed by a trip to banff to watch the Lego movie.
Elaine had a good weekend with her food. She was able to supliment the fluid diet with blended food by mouth. Lets hope that this keeps up.


February 24th
The day was very long. Stated with an appointment 1045 followed by blood work after. Then we had to hang out for 4 hours until our last appointment at 4pm. The doctor was running late so we did not get seen until 445pm,  after that it was a trip to the airport to collect elaines parents and finally returning home at 715pm.

February 25th
Robbie drove elaine in to calgary for her treatment. Elaine started with chemo and had a reaction to the drug's. A gripping chest pain, this prolonged elaines stay and made for another long day. She was out the house form 830am till 430pm.
She has a strong appetite and continues to supplement her feeding with blended food.

February 26th
A bright blue sky and a good drive into calgary but the radiation department was running late. However elaine is still determined to get out for a cross country ski up on our return to canmore.

February 27
Cathy took elaine into calgary.  All went well the whole thing with travel only took 2.5 hours.

February 28th
Elaine started her day at 530am with a feed,  Radiation went well. Elaine is able to get food past the tumor and is starting to gain weight.  The doctor wants her to try to take all of her medicine and food orally. If she can do this then the tube can be removed , which will reduce the changes of scar tissue

March 1st
The temperature is minus 28 today and Elaine went for a walk as well as a short run.
She was able to eat all of her food orally and therefor able to remove the tube. All we have to work on is a positive attitude.

March 2nd
The whole family went swimming at the banff springs with friends. Elaine met her running friends afterwards at the summit café. The girls had found a healing stone from the gem store and had a necklace made for all of them to help elaine through this.  They also chose a book that reflected elaines persona" born to run" for the book club. It was amazing to see how this has spurred elaine on and raised her spirit.

March 4th
Chemo days are long days amd made longer when elaine has a reaction to the paclataxle.  Again she felt a crushing pain in the chest followed by lower back pain and hot flashes. They had to administer other drugs to prevent the reaction. The whole process prolonged the day by 2hrs. Total time away from the house was 9hrs.
Elaine had a visit from janie during chemo treatment which helped to boost her wellbeing. Only one week more to go with chemo and apart from the reactions she has coped very well with little side effects
  Elaine ended the day with a 45 minute walk with her mum.

March 5th
After treatment elaine and I went for a cross country ski. They had fresh snow so we decided to go classic. It's amazing how hard it is when you have not done it for a while. Elaine did very well as usual.  Her ability to take food orally is improving and weight gain is steady

 

March 6th
Cathy took elaine into calgary again and we arranged to go xc skiing on elaines return.  It was very cold but still great to see elaine ski she even had the energy to coaching beth who has never been skate skiing before.
That night e met sandy and beth at the iron goat for a beer and  left the kids with the grandparents

March 7th
Radiation therapy was quick but had to wait for the follow up appointment with the nurse. All was good and they are happy with her progress.
We met up with friends for coffee at the summit café. It's amazing how little time we seem to have, the last time we met Irene and mike was 7 weeks ago.
We also met with robin and kirsten for a walk up the bench.  On the way home elaine received a call from the surgeon, nothing bad but it put elaine into a dark place thinking of the future. This was to last the whole weekend.

March 8th
Saturday Mary and Dave took the kids for there swimming lessons while elaine and I went out for a skate ski at the Nordic center.

March 9th
Elaine met with the girls from the book club for coffee followed by a walk up the bench while I built a shelving unit with the help of the kids. They then proceeded to play bobsled with the unit while on the floor. We then drove to the Nordic center for josie's birthday party.
After this we celebrated Daves birthday with a roast beef dinner which elaine was able to eat after blending.

March 10th
Just a normal day of treatment. Started with blood work followed by radiation therapy. We met the nurse in the hallway and had a brief meeting which meant that we didn't have to attend the meeting set up for the afternoon. So we were able to travel home sooner. Elaine went to yoga on our return.

March 11th
Last day of chemo and elaine had another reaction this increased the stay in the hospital by 2.5 hours. We returned home around 5 pm. Elaine went out for a slow run and had to walk a few sections.

March 12th
Karen drove elaine in for treatment. Elaine returned around 1115, this gave her time to get lunch(still soups and smoothies only)  before heading up to the Nordic center for a skate ski with  sean tosh. A great day with lots of sunshine.

  This was followed by a meeting with Finlays teacher, Finlay is doing very well and is progressing well.

We finished the night going round to Jo's to select a winner of a 50/50 charity fund raiser for elaine.
They had organized the fund raising without our knowledge and then surprised elaine by getting her to pick out the winning ticket.  The money they raised is for another flight for elaines parents. They have also arranged with Canadian affair discounted tickets.
Elaine was overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude. 1000 tickets had been sold and the bag of ticket stubs was huge

March 13th
A quick journey into the city to receive treatment then back to canmore to enjoy the sun.
Elaine wanted to get out for a run so I offered to go with her. We ran from our house up lady mac over the creek and down benchlands trail to the lihhts on railway ave, then we continued along the 1A to the RCMP detachment the back along the embankment behond grotto way and up the creek to home. She did was amazing ans I was struggling to keep up with her.
Only one more radiation therapy to go, then we are on to the next phase

.

 March 17th Monday
a good week. we had no chemo or radiotherapy to attend.
elaine is recovering well and if did not know elaine you would not be able to tell that she had cancer and had just received chemo and radiation therapy.

Tuesday 18th we had a day at the ski hill with sandy after dropping the kids of at school.
Wednesday 19th we helped out at the school for pizza day.
Thursday 20th went swimming.
It certainly helped having elaines mum and dad here and with everybody working together it made life seem very easy in the hou
Friday 21st stayed at the Rimrock hotel very pleasant day Elaine managed to eat well and in the restaurant. We relaxed and had a easy start to Saturday before meeting elaines parents and the children in banff for a short walk. Sunday 22nd we we walked up grassy Lakes with  elaines mom and dad and the kid. Elaine was feeling very well and was leaving people behind as she walked up the hill.
Monday 23rd we tried to go swimming at Douglas fir with the kids unfortunately it was closed so we came back to elevation place and swam for 1 and a half.

MARCH 27th Elaine took the kids to school today when she drop them off at the daycare both Heather and finlay turned around and said mommy don't be sad today don't cry and if you do come and see us and we will make you happy.  James was at the training building today teaching recruits. This was a good chance for him to focus on other things.  so elaine had a day on our own. she went for meditation and had a reasonable day.
28th the kida had a birthday party with max while elaine and I went for a ski at the Nordic center. We did one of the longer runs.  Elaine said it's great to get out and do the things you love even if you are feeling down.
29th we took the kids out cross country skiing for 2 hours.  Again we had a great time before coming home for a movie night.
30th
      Elaine went for a Pleasant walk with Natalie when he came home we all had a trip to Douglas fir were we went swimming and played on the slides at the water park. It was a great

April 1st-4th
We had arranged to get away for a few nights at one of our favorite locations and catch up on a few days skiing with the kids. We had missed this opportunity during elaines first round of treatment and now seemed the best time to catch up.  Baker Creek was the perfect place to relax in the evening and the stay was full of surprises. Our friends Chad and Shannon had all ready taken care of the cost and had arranged for a bottle of champagne to be waiting for us. The skiing was amazing with great conditions with no one around. The kids listened and wanted to learn more about skiing.  We had a system of meals already made for Elaine so the only thing left to do was make the juice and smoothies in the morning prior to hitting the slopes. We even had a few smiles and laughter from Elaine.

I wish you enough

I just wish you enough

....may your life be filled with just enough good things to sustain you.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright

no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain

to appreciate the sunshine even more.

I wish you enough happiness

to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain

so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear greater.

I wish you enough gain

to satisfy your longings.

I wish you enough loss

to appreciate all that you have.

I wish you enough hellos

to get you through the final good-bye.

Takes but a moment to meet one special person

...an hour to come to appreciate them

...a day to begin to love them;

...an entire lifetime to forget them.

The Journey begins

Hello to all of you.

I am writing to you as you have all touched my life in some way.

There is no easy way to start this email. I have the biggest challenge ahead of me and wish to make you all aware of my trials.

Earlier this week I had a Gastroscopy which discovered a tumor in my oesophagus. After an urgent CT scan and biopsy results, I have been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma.  The CT reports indicate that this can be treated and will inevitably have to have surgery, chemo and radiation.

Our family have a huge journey with many challenges ahead of us. James and I are used to challenges and work strongly together during these times, however this is the biggest to date and we have to keep positive every step of the way.

Please send positive thoughts and prayers our way.

Yours Elaine

Elaine I was totally shocked to get this news.

Felt some pretty strong emotion and now just sending all the positive vibes I 

can your way. I'm sure you are gathering all or strength and determination 

(which I know you have a lot of) and getting ready to kick this cancers ass.

 You will have sooooooo many people fighting in your corner with you and that 

energy will be everything.
I will be thinking of you more then you could ever imagine. 
Amy

 Elaine -

You have everything going for you.  You are strong.  You are healthy.  You are a beautiful person.  I am indeed sending you and the family all my positive energy as you go through this difficult time.  It will be a bump in the road and your friends and loved ones will help you navigate through it.  Once it's over everything will be fine.  I believe it.

Let us help in any way we can.

Lots of love,

Leslie

Elaine and James,

Your strength and positive energy are incredible.  We want to let you know that we are here if you need anything.  

You are all in our thoughts and we are sending you positive energy.

Alan, Jenny and the girls

xo

Elaine and James,

I have been sitting here for a while and can’t really think of what to write.  I just wanted you to know that we are here for you and are willing to help in any way we can.

I know you guys will face this with strength and determination.   Anyone who can organize skiing into the Wheeler Hut with young kids and making freaking Crème Brulee with a blow torch is obviously a committed and resourceful team J

We are thinking good thoughts for all of you,

alan

 Hi elaine. Been praying since Tuesday . So pleased to hear it's not 
spread.  Cancer is never good, but it's not all bad. You're on Lenzie 
union prayer chain and airdrie church football team's (don't ask!) 
I/we/us will keep praying for you and yours. You are mrs McFit! Has to 
be a payback for all that! Stay in touch. Drena and Hammie

Oh Elaine, i'm writing this message with much love and all the prayers I can send to you,James, Heather and Findlay. Although you are so far away I think of you often and wish that we could see you more. You have always been such a good friend and I wish I could be nearer to be able to help you and James at this very difficult time. 

What a shock this must be, for all of you and your family. Your mum and dad are also in my thoughts and I send them my love too. 

My first thought today was that I wished I could get on a plane and come and give you the biggest hug I could. 

I would like to phone you? Please when you can could you let me know your number.

With all my love and Ewan's love xxx

We're all so shocked and saddened after hearing your news, but at the same time we

also feel so positive, as we all agree that there is no one better suited than you

to fight this. If you can face this battle with the same positive attitude and 

determination that you have when living your life then I'm sure everything will

work out just fine.

No doubt you and James will have some difficult and challenging days ahead of you

but always remember we are all thinking about you and your family and are looking 

forward to the next "get together"

 Hi Elaine, just seen e-mail, our thoughts are with you both and the 
kids, not alot I can say to make it any easier for you apart from if you
 can stay married to our James for over 12 years then this should be a 
doddle!! Lots of love from me Sarah and the boys x

If I was standing beside you just now I would give you one great big hug so that's what this email represents a hug.

Even though your surname is Gunn you are still an Aitchison and I'm sure you will have the same strength and fight that has seen  your dad face his challenges over the years. You are young, fit, spirited and determined. That sounds like perfect ingredients to face this head on and beat it.
I know I'm far away but you are close in my thoughts and in my heart. Contact me anytime. I will always be here for you.
It's not an easy time for you all so I send you, James, the kids, your family and your friends who are there to support you all my love and positive thoughts

Ali x x x

  

I am so, so, so very shocked and saddened by your news.  I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this ordeal.

You are a strong, amazing woman and I know you will give it the biggest fight ever!  You also have a terrific husband and the cutest kids ever to help you stay strong!

I am not a terribly religious person, but none the less, I am praying and sending positive vibes your way.  I want to help you and your family out in any way I can.  I really value our friendship at work and when we have done things outside of work.

When will you start treatment and what happens first?  Are your parents coming here?

Please keep me updated and do not hesitate to ask if there is something I can do.

Good morning our wee treasure Elaine. 
I know you're in a bit of troubled water just now. Please know you're in our 

thoughts always!!
 
Anyways, I was just thinking about our wee holiday where we kept the baileys in 

the fridge. We tackled many wee personal hurdles on that balcony, one of which was 

you showing your athletic skill by climbing In the window in a beautiful silk dress!!
There are 3 types of people in life; those that make things happen, those that 

watch and those that wondered what happened.
 
You're a strong girl whose made so much happen and you have James and your 

beautiful children to share it with. 
Keep strong.
You can beat this!!!
All our love and prayers,
 
Angie, Iain and KKtD xxxxx

   
 I think that anyone who has the stamina to run the marathon in San Fran
 like you did this fall has stamina and endurance...long suffering is 
the word they used to use in the very old days...anyways, you have it in
 you to see this
thru and we are here to help such a 'self-possessed' gal as yourself!! 
Barb

 I would like to take this opportunity to express my thanks and gratitude to each 

and every one of you who have held me in your thoughts and offered support. I have

been overwhelmed with the kindness and donations of support you have shown me and 

my family through these challenging weeks. The past 4 weeks have been a roller 

coaster of a ride , thinking that if you get over one challenge or waiting for one

of the results that you will feel better, just to be confronted by the next.

We have gone through moments of despair and fear and moments of acceptance and 

trust. I have always believed in hope but never really understood its real 

necessity until now. We have to have hope and we have to stay positive, there is 

no other way to face this head on.
My treatment will begin on Tuesday with radiation for 5 days a week for 5 weeks 

along with weekly chemo. Then surgery some time after that. The journey is going 

to be tough, but I know I have a lot of family, friends and colleagues behind me,

and hey I am a wee tough Scottish lass, who has put up with an English husband 

and as my mum has recently told me , the words from a pre school teacher 38 years

 ago" ..the most self possessed child she had ever met....!," I am hoping that is 

a good trait!
 
Well just to say thank you again
Elaine
                                      

Hi Elaine
Just a wee email to say I know you have another scan tomorrow. I'm praying for you,

and James and Heather and Finlay, along with a few dozen others, in churches

across the Glasgow area, not only for a good result tomorrow, but that you will 

know healing, every day, and a real sense of wellbeing. You are often in my 

thoughts, I know how loved you are in Canada,
and in Scotland, you are surrounded by love - on an international basis, and on a 

very personal basis, and you are surrounded by prayer. Only good can come from that. 
 

Now, on another note, Mrs McFit, you have so much strength, in so many ways.  Mrs 

Inglis from playgroup said 38 years ago that you were one of the most self-

possessed children she had ever met!
(I'll not say what she said about our Graeme!)  Your Mum and I went home and looked

 up self-possessed!   You are a young, fit, strong, intelligent, self-possessed 

woman, if anyone can deal with this - it's you. Believe that, it's true.
 
Much love
Many prayers
More Joy
Drena and Hammy

The day the music died

The day the music died.

Wednesday 15th January.                              
We started the day as normally as we could. We walked to school and as we walked Finlay said "why do you and mummy fight!". I started to think, why is Finlay asking this. The only possible reason I could think of was because he was aware that mummy was crying a lot and he thought that we were fighting. A sensible boy and very intuitive.
That morning when we arrived at the school we met two other friends that we shared the info with and i also informed the teachers.. one of the friends is a doctor and the first question she asked Elaine was "how are you sleeping." Elaine replied "I'm not". Well lets sort that out and later prescribed a drug to help. Wow what a difference sleep makes. We were at braking point and didn't even know. That night Elaine slept for the first time, not even waking when Finlay came into our room as he does most nights, i on the other hand woke up  with very little space in the bed, being kicked by Finlay and an overwhelming fear.

The whole week passed with no answers forth coming and the roller coaster of emotions never stopped. Music didn't help, every song had some sad lyrics,  every love you said by the kids was emotional beyond belief.  Seeing old people holding hands, or old people sitting in the conservatory in the hospital just sparked an emotional out break. My emotions were hypersensitive.

Friday 17th we called the surgeons office.  still no results from the pathology lab. we arranged to go for a ski in the afternoon but received a call at noon asking us  to call in to the hospital to see the surgeon at 1230. we raced down to the hospital were we were told that we have an appointment booked with the other surgeon on Thurday next week, a whole week away.  We also found out that Elaine had a squamous carcinoma and it was malignant. oh s**t. The CT scan was clear with just a couple of concerns.  I tried very hard to control my emotions to keep strong for Elaines sake.

The whole weekend was hard and started with a trip to the emergency unit Friday night. The doc was great and helped go through the CT results with Elaine.
Sunday we tried to explain to the kids what was happening.  I even used an cardboard tube from a kitchen roll and rolled a small ball down to replicate food traveling down the esophagus,  then I put a lump (a small rolled up piece of paper taped in side the tube and then rolled the ball down again. Finlay liked it so much that he played for the next hour with it.

 Jan 20th, Monday morning Elaine called the new surgeon to confirm the booking,  she asked if they had any sooner appointments and was told no, she broke into tears on the phone. ten minutes after putting the phone down the surgery called back and had arranged to see Elaine on Tuesday at 5 pm.
that was it then, we arranged for the kids to be looked after and traveled to Calgary the next day.

The surgeon was amazing with Elaine and explained everything with a positive spin. we were still worried yet felt positive. He told Elaine to stay away from the sugars and arranged for a Endoscopic Ultrasound on the Thursday so that it could be staged.

Thursday 23rd.
We traveled into Calgary for 7 am, a neighbor came round at 5am to babysit the kids and take them to school. Elaine was admitted and I hung around the hospital. At 11 o'clock I was allowed to see Elaine, again we had to wait for the doc to see us. It was awful, the tumor was all the way through the wall of the esophagus and had a focal point touching the aorta , they were unable to see if it was just touching or invading. they diagnosed it as a T4b 2n. Elaine was inconsolable. I called our surgeon straight away and got his voice mail. To our surprise he called back and arranged to meet us at his surgery at  1230 during his lunch. Again he was great with Elaine and put everything back into perspective. He also arranged to meet with the cancer board on the Tuesday and arranged for Elaine to meet the radiation and medical oncologists the following Thursday. We will be receiving both radiation and chemo therapy before the operation.

Most days we have tried to get a little exercise, Elaine has always functioned better with exercise and I certainly saw a difference in her demeanor during our cross country skiing days, in fact most of you would of seen the photographs posted on Facebook. Exercise truly is good for the soul.

Black Monday

In mid September Elaine started to experience pain when swallowing food. Elaine put it down to rushing her food and eating on the move. She only experienced it 2 times in the month of September. We put it down to a scratch in the esophagus.
She continued on with her normal routine and training for her half marathon in San Francisco.

In October the sensation came back while eating a slice of bread,  so Elaine went to her GP and was referred for a Gastroscopy.

During this time Elaine ran her San Francisco half marathon,with a group of friends,  in which she did remarkably well. She came 22th in her age group of 2,989  and 288 out of 26,460 runners.With a time of 1hr 45mins Elaine is very reserved and did not tell many people of her achievement, she has always kept her achievements very quiet, not sure why.

Elaine was scheduled for the Gastroscopy in late November.  On meeting with the specialist ,it was decided that it may be the result of reflux and a 2 week trial with antacids should be conducted first. This trial bridged the trip to the Uk for Elaine's mum's 70th. All was well for a short time then low and behold the pain came back.  On returning back from the Uk Elaine contacted the specialist and arranged the Gastroscopy for the earliest date available which was January the 13th.

The day of the scope, 13 January.

We did the normal routine of taking the kids to school and then I took Elaine down to the hospital and disappeared to complete my own tasks. Around 11 am Elaine called and said that she had a tumor growing, can I make my way to the hospital as the surgeon would like to talk to us both. My life stopped but my mind continued to work overtime. What if, how, whats the next step, how big is it? Can they do anything? All questions that need to be answered.  I raced to the hospital to find Elaine in tears in her bed. This was the start of many tears from the both of us.
We were sent to the family room to a wait the surgeon.  A small room with no windows, nicely decorated with one couch. Elaine said this is the room where they give bad news, I guess when you work their,  there are no secrets.  We waited for what seemed a lifetime. All the time I spent starring into space wondering why.
The surgeon came in and told us the bad news, a smooth mass located 10 cm up from the stomach in the squamous cells. The size was 5.6cm x 3.2cm x 2.8, a moderate size.  This means that it is located in the upper portion of the breast bone and that he would need to arrange a CT scan and would refer Elaine to a friend who specializes in osophageal cancer.

Oh my, the world had just stopped spinning. Poor Elaine, she used to work on a ward in Nottingham that looked after patients that had received osophagectomies. She knew what was about to come and all she could say was, this is bad.
I remembered a conversation we once had about her ward when we first moved in together. She said "I never want to go through that operation,  its the worst ever".

How do you deal with bad news, especially when you know that it is someones worst nightmare.

Elaine was sent for blood work immediately afterwards and returned the next day for the CT scan.

Where ever she went in the hospital she new the staff. This was hard for Elaine and the staff.



The waiting game.

Elaine and I knew that she had a horrific form of cancer but to what extent, we were unsure. Monday night we had little sleep.  Tuesday  morning we dropped  the kids of at school. I met a good friend in the hallway and he made a comment "wow what are you free birds going to do today, skiing,skating, or just enjoying the warm blue skies". A very innocent comment. It was true it was a very clear day with warm temperatures,  yet responding to it was impossible. I started to well up and had to walk away. Sandy said Ill find you after the drop off. He found Elaine first and Elaine told him of our troubles. He offered any help he could and the fact that someone else knew, helped a lot.
Later we traveled to the hospital for Elaine's CT scan. As I sat outside the CT room I just bowed my head and prayed the whole time. We did not receive any feed back from the tech that day and had to wait for the results.
We were in a horrible place with no way of getting out or fixing it. That night I woke up convinced that we needed to sell everything but were do we start, I felt over whelmed.  god only knows how Elaine was feeling.

70th Birthday meal

Mum's 70th Birthday trip