Getting out in nature

While Auntie Helen was visiting we made sure that we took her out and kept her busy in the beautiful outdoors in the Rockie Mountains. We went a lovely hike with Barb, Robbie and Sue at Lake Minnewanka and I subsequently ended up with a tic which i found the following nights. My first one ever. I was not the only one, as Barb had found one, then  had called James to tell him so that I would check myself. On finding the little beasty that night I had to go down and inform Helen that I needed to check her for tics too!!....what a way to get to know your sister in law!!!

At the weekend we enjoyed a family hike at Tunnel mountain and the kids enjoyed, playing camouflage and hiding in the bushes and hoodoos.

Camouflaged as a bush.....If I can't see you then you can't see me!!

Dinosaur Museum

The next day was spent exploring Dinosaurs and a visit to the dinosaur museum. Now Drumheller is renowned for the Tyrell dinosaur museum and as you enter and drive round the town there is no question that you have arrived at the correct place. this town is full of dinosaur statues and monuments. At bus stops, on benches and almost every street corner. They even have a huge dinosaur that you can climb up to a viewing gallery at its mouth!!

We finished of the day with a drive around the dinosaur trail which took us across the river on a cable car ferry, the smallest church and some more hoodoos

Trip to Drumheller. Atlas Mine

The first week that Helen was here she was able to accompany me on my drive into Calgary for my Vitamin C treatment. It was good to have a companion for the journey and we were able to go grocery shopping for lots of greens, and ingredients for the raw diet that I am trying. I'm sure Helen was a bit overwhelmed at what was going into the trolley. She got used to our busy breakfast times, which involves, kids breakfasts, adult breakfasts, juicing and smoothy making and it is one noisy process ! We also have a lovely boost in the morning with a ginger shot, this is a shot of juiced ginger, lemon and apple and it knocks your socks off. Ginger is a great anti- inflammatory and Helen found that her joint pain disappeared during her stay with us.
Helen also got used to taking the kids to school. The first morning she wanted to drive them to school and off they went, bundled into the truck and then we waited to wave from the window...but the truck didn't move....."does your sister know how to drive an automatic?" I said to James!!! I think the kids were also giving her instructions to stay on the right side of the road. She quickly got the hang of things and enjoyed meeting Heather and Finlay's teachers and friends.
Helen was a great help around the house, just getting on with little chores and helping around the house.
The first week was quite intense for me as I was still doing lots of research into alternatives and looking at treatments and clinics in Us. It became very apparent that there are lots of clinics out there that will offer you the world and when you are in a desperate situation like me then it can be very easy to drop $10,000 because someone can offer you some treatment. So I had been wading through the info and discarding the crap.
One of my colleagues at work put me in touch with an Oncologist in Salt Lake City who told her of a clinical trial which was starting in the National cancer institute, Maryland. Another friend had contacted a retired Oncologist who had some information and I was amazed at there help, a stark contrast to my own Oncologist who had virtually written me off saying that there were no trials suitable for me. These Oncologists have been so helpful with giving me information, offering help and allowing me to call them at home.I felt somewhat priviledged, but also abandoned by my own team.

After a week of intense research and a couple of trips to Calgary. Oh and also a change in paint colour in the living room( Fantastic friends had come to paint my living room one day while Helen and I were in Calgary). I had chosen the colour, paler, neutral and also different that my lovely warm mustard yellow that I had had for the last 6 years. When i walked in I was a bit shocked at the neutralness off it!!! Everybody looked so pale .It didn't help that the old green sofa was reflecting a green hugh on the walls. I lived with it in the hopes that the curtains and new sofa would tie the things together. .......It took about 3 weeks to settle into my new walls!!!
On the Friday, we went out for Mexican food with Erika, Leslie, Cathy and Andrea, the "book club" girls. I had my first glass of red wine in 3 months and we had a good laugh as usual. It was lovely, usual topics for discussion, kids, husbands and teenagers, a great release for most of us.

Anyway, we also went for a nights trip to Drumheller which is 2.5 hrs from Canmore, a landscape of hoodoos, canyons, fossils and Badlands. The main purpose was to visit the dinosaur museum. It was a popular long weekend so all the hotels were booked, so I found a lovely guest house in which we all shared a room. Our first visit on arrival was to the Atlas |mine, where we took a tour of the mine tunnel. Hard hats and head torches adorned, we toured the tunnels. Heather was right up at the front asking all the questions.

At the end of the tour we were able to visit the old cottages, machinery and workings of the mine. that was when we had fun standing in the statues of the miners. the kids thought it was funny when auntie Helen was shouting Yoo, hoo do you think I'm sexy in earshot of two men standing by. Finlay thought this was hilarious later when we had our usual discussion at the end of the day about our favorite part of the day. Since then he has thought it funny to keep shouting out!!

Time with friends

The first weekend in May was a snowy weekend. On Saturday it snowed from morning to night. In the morning we dropped Heather off at Elevation Place for a little Monet class from 10-2pm. While she was in the class we returned to Stone waters and ordered our new love seat and chaise for the living room. After Heather's art class, we went to our friends house Kerry and Adrian and met Sandy and Beth with all the kids and spent the afternoon chatting and cooking, while the kids played. It was such a lovely afternoon, relaxing and spending time with friends, while watching the snow falling.

The following week started with an appointment with Mental Health, but that was quite depressing, spoke about fears and plans, and cried a lot. In the afternoon, I walked into Canmore with Barb from work and met up with Betty and Amy for a tea.

I also started IV vitamin C therapy and SC mistletoe, in the hopes to slow down the disease.

Thursday I had a lovely day with Beth and Kerry , spending the whole day at the Banff Spring Spa. We enjoyed the out door hot tub, pedicure and massage, lunch , mineral pools and waterfall pools. It was so good to spend it with friends relaxing......My first spa day!!!

The week finished with the arrival of Auntie Helen, and Mother's day. the kids have been so excited about her arrival, they were asking all day how many minutes until her arrival. James also picked up the turf for the front garden, and things are coming together. In the evening we went to the Flat bread company for Mothers Day dinner. Finlay and Heather thoroughly  enjoyed it, so much so that Finlay asked if we could do it again next year!!

Birthday blues

Well a birthday is supposed to be a day of celebration and fun. The day was good and James and I went out for lunch and chose some fabric for the new furniture that we will be ordering.
We collected the children from school and were at home around 4.30 waiting to go out for dinner . I received a phone call from the surgeon Dr Mitchell, who said that they wanted to do biopsies on the liver and that it would depend on the results as to whether the surgery would go ahead, while I was speaking to the surgeon, the home phone rang and James took it up stairs. When I asked him who was on the phone he said it was a colleague from work. However I knew by his reaction that it was not the case.
I was in tears as I knew the implications of the news that I had received. The children were so excited to go out for the meal that we continued with our plans and headed for the restaurant. I sat in tears over dinner, my whole had fallen apart for the umpteenth time this year.
When we returned home and the kids were in bed , James and I were alone, I asked again who was on the phone and that I knew it wasn't his friend. he told me that it was Dr Sinha and explained what he had said. We both were crying with despair. What a terrible way to spend a Birthday.

The next day I went for a hike up Sulphur Mountain with Karen and Erin from work. It was alovely day with gently falling snow. We chatted and was able to take my mind off the depressing news that we had been told the day before. We went for some lunch in Banff and ordered some tickets to see the horse show called Cavallia in Calgary

Saturday James, me , Heather and Finlay drove into Calgary to see the show. Karen was with her old friend and welcomed us at the top of the stairs. The show was fantastic, the best show I have ever seen , the gymnasts and acrobats and horses were amazing, Heather sat on my knee the whole way through and Finlay had a permanent smile on his face. Karen brought us some interval snacks from the VIP lounge and we had a wonderful day.

Sunday we had a lovely cycle ride with the kids round the river then I met some friends at the iron goat for a tea. I broke the news to my friends . It was devastating. Later we went to our neighbors for dinner. All in all a lovely weekend with friends and family.

Wednesday I had my Liver biopsies, so that was an emotional day. James and I hardly spoke on the way in early in the morning, and cried a lot saying how we had felt cheated and scared. Brian took the kids to school.The biopsies had left me in some pain and found it hard to stand and sit. I knew I was meeting the book club girls that night. I spoke with Andrea and discussed my fears for the future, my children and James, I spoke of how I felt as if I was in a corner with no way out, resources depleted. How I needed to re evaluate my faith, how my live would be cut in half, without my children or anybody beside me. How I would miss out on the next 40 years, seeing my kids grow up, marry and have kids of there own. Life is going to go on, I will not be there and that destroys me inside. We met the rest of the girls inside at Leslie,s house and had a nice evening chatting and laughing, it was nice to talk about regular things, but makes me sad that I feel different and have my mortality hanging over my head. We had another quick discussion and a few tears, then came home to James for the night.

Book Club

Back in January, when all this disaster came to light, the San Francisco girls decided to have our first book club meeting. Since then we have met every 2 weeks, recently every week. However there has been not too much reading being done!!! There has been a lot of laughs, discussions and tears. I even had to take some Tylenol prior to our meeting the evening of the day that I had my liver biopsy.It has been a great support to have the girls around. Erika, Leslie, Cathy and Andrea. And we all wear our chrysicolla necklaces
I have managed to talk about my fears for the future, feeling that I have been cornered and realizing that there may not be a way out from this. My fear and knowledge and regret that my life will end too soon, and that I have another 40 years to live and the knowledge that I know life will continue for everyone and that I won't be a part of it. People will be sad for a while and miss me, but eventually they will pick themselves up and move forward, creating a new normal, a new happiness. That Heather and Finlay are so young and the fear of them not really knowing me or remembering me.I will fade and it will be a long time until we are reunited.
I talk to them about my fears of the life here after, faith. I am a christian and went to church for most of my youth, however recently have not practiced a faith, more so enjoying the beauty of God's creation in nature.

We have made some plans to create a journal, with photos and text to capture the love that we have and to give the kids some advice.

Story times and special times

My special time with the kids is bed time when we read stories together on Heather's bed. It is a time for us to relax, be close and talk about our day. The time together is so important and precious as there are no other distractions from the rest of the house and chores. It is sometimes the best time of my day. Heather has always been an night owl and has found it hard to wind down at night. Her brain just keeps on going. I think yoga and reiki would be good for her in the future. We have recently been trying a bit of reiki at night and that seems to settle her more. We have had a long standing tradition of pretend stories at night where I tell make believe stories, often about fairy land or about ponies, unicorns and alocorns. After that she is almost ready to settle down.

Finlay on the other hand likes stories, but will often listen to them while pottering around the room. He is often so tired that he falls asleep very quickly afterwards. However his little trick is that he often wakes in the middle of the night and come straight to our bed for a snuggle, thankfully he then goes straight to sleep.

Tonight on the way home from dinner with Andrea and Lee, the kids wanted to be dropped at the end of the road to run home, while James and I drove home. It was so great to see them running together, a little team, so little and adorable. It filled me with joy and also sadness that I may not be around to see them grow into bigger kids and accomplishing well in all their sports. It made me sad that I may never get the chance to take them on a run and share the passion that I have for running. Once we met up, the kids asked if they could go and do the run again with me....how could I refuse!!! So we put our runners on and retraced their steps running all the way.

 I wish I could be there for both of you as you run your journey along life. I didn't plan for this to happen and we all feel cheated in some way. Someone asked me recently if there was anything that I wanted to accomplish with my time left. I couldn't think of anything for me personally except to have been around to bring you up and guide you and love you and share our lives together. You see you are both my world. Everything I have done since you were born , I did for you and want to do more for you. But you must know that you were loved so much by me and will always be loved by me.
I truly hope that there is something after this life on earth, not just like sleep, but the ability for my spirit to perhaps live in a peaceful place and even better to be able to be there looking over you, watching you have fun and laugh and guiding you, through your life. You see my life was never meant to be this short, I had still too much to experience, another lifetime to live , so much to give to you both and I feel so sad for this.

The kids have been skating this term and the grand finale was the skating show put on by the club. "So You Want To Join The Circus"
The week was filled with rehearsals on Mon, Wed, Thurs and Fri after school
Heather was in two routines, cotton candy clowns and Finlay was in the bears. He was the smallest and youngest in his group, but thoroughly enjoyed the attention that he got from the other boys. He was encouraged so much and gained a lot of confidence and pride. They both were excited to perform and did a great job on the day and night performances.

That same Saturday was my Birthday celebration which James and Andrea had helped me to organize. I was unsure whether to have a party as my emotions have been up and down . and on the night it could have gone either way. Andrea had surprised me with a Scottish and running theme and some of the 60 people had dressed up in good spirit in tartan and 80's style running gear. There was a haggis eating contest and a contest of who could read the poem entitled " The Sair Finger".